I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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