every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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