i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
