You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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