i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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