I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
