Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
