Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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