This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
