I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
