Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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