It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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