I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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