I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
