You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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