I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
