im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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