I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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