White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
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I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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