If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
where does the pee come out of this thing
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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