The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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