ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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