omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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