Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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