Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
either way he was missing a nipple.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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