I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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