i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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