went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
