Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
