Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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