hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
