it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
