i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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