I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
