I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
