Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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