The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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