I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
