i think my tv is drunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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