he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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