the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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