In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize