4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You know, be my cock's hype man.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
