i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What a dumb baby whore.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
