You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
