I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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