i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
