he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
