I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
