is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Can you bring me the toilet please
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
