My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I need to calm my uterus...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
