I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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