who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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